When I look around me, I see people breaking-off ties with their close relatives as if nothing matters, siblings not talking to each other for days, weeks, even months at a stretch. I am a mortal and have done the same on more than one occasion. Thankfully for us, Islam comes to the rescue and explains the importance of family ties and brotherhood.
Just thought I’d search for some references from the Qur’an and Sunnah to help everyone understand the importance of family and how breaking ties will effect us in this world and the here-after.
The following is a collection of interpretation of verses from the Holy Qur’an:
“The believers are nothing else than brothers (in Islamic religion). So make reconciliation between your brothers.” (49:10)
“… and fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of ) the wombs (kinship)…” (4:1)
“And those who break the Covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far away from Allah’s Mercy); And for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e., Hell).” (13:25)
“Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.” (47:22-23)
A lot of ahadith explain the importance of family and the implications of severing ties with your relatives:
Anas bin Malik (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “Do not desert (stop talking to) one another, do not nurse hatred towards one another, do not be jealous of one another, and become as fellow brothers and slaves of Allah. It is not lawful for a Muslim to stop talking to his brother (Muslim) for more than three days.”[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “People’s deeds are presented before Allah on Mondays and Thursdays, and then every slave (of Allah) is granted forgiveness (of minor sins) if he does not associate anything with Allah in worship. But the person in whose heart there is rancour against his brother, will not be pardoned. With regard to them, it is said twice: `Hold these two until they are reconciled’.” [Muslim]
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “It is not lawful for a Muslim to forsake his (Muslim) brother beyond three days; and whosoever does so for more than three days, and then dies, will certainly enter the Hell.” [Abu Dawud]
Abu Khirash Hadrad bin Abu Hadrad Al-Aslami (May Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Prophet (PBUH) saying, “Whosoever forsakes his brother for a year is like one who sheds his blood.” (Abu Dawud)
The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5645).
“There is no sin more deserving of having punishment meted out by Allah to its perpetrator in advance in this world, along with what He has for him in the next world, than oppression and severing family ties.” (Tirmizi)
“Does not enter Paradise he who breaks up his family ties”. (Bukhari)
This is an eye-opening compilation and should serve as a basis of all our present and future relationships. If you think you know someone who is in the middle of a personal/family feud, please forward this to them and ask them to fix their ties for Allah’s sake.
Thank you and remember me in your prayers.
What if the family member makes an oath on Allah name that they will never speak to you even when dying? My aunt got really upset at me and I guess we’ve been having different opinions on certain things. She got really upset and now she’s not speaking to me. I just wanted to know islamically if someone makes an oath on God’s name to never speak to you. Isn’t that a major sin because you can’t make an oath on something God forbid Muslims to do. To cut ties with your kin. So islamically what does one have to do get away from this oath? Does she have to fast three days and make sincere tawbah to Allah? Because I am quite flustered and really didnt expect someone to get upset to that level.
Honestly, I am no Islamic scholar, but Allah (subhanahu-wa-ta’ala) is all-forgiving. I think reconciling with your aunt and doing ‘tawbah’ is the best thing to do. She may be angry at you and would probably take a while to come around, but keep trying and try to stay as humble as possible (remember that she’s older than you) – no confrontations whatsoever, even if it means taking the whole blame on yourself.
Reconcile, and I’m sure Allah will be most pleased with the both of you. May he shower his countless blessings and bounties on all of us. Aameen.
what if the person you want to unfriend has been talking behind your back for days now and you been pretending like nothing happened and all of a sudden they post this private picture that you sent to them on there facebook wall and all the boys saw it. and when i say saw it i mean they seen your from the neck up including your hair and you want to unfriend them because you dont want to be fake and smile in there face when you really dont like them. Can you unfriend them?
Is un-friending really the only option? Why not discuss your situation openly and help them understand your point of view? A good friend is one who helps guide another friend onto the right path.
Also, forgiving is one of the most desirable qualities a Muslim can have. Forgive her for Allah’s sake and expect the reward in the afterlife. And only Allah knows best.
Me and my brother havent spoken for a year now. Im soo scared. ive tried soo many times with him but he isnt helping by just closing himself off. What should i do? Please help.
The best thing for you to do is keep trying and never give up hope. Allah will give him the sense to reconcile his differences with you.
Do you have any other person in the family who is still close to your brother? If yes, then you can ask that person to present your case and tell him how you truly feel.
May Allah help us all be better muslims. Aameen.
beautiful read Yousaf. It is completely surprising to see how some british (pakistani) Muslims have created big chasms in the familes, It seems ok for the Dads not to even know of their brothers, but it becomes the duty of the daughter in laws to make sure the brothers (their sons) are meeting well. mostly ego issues i suppose.
I agree with you! In this day and age, humility is what we need in our lives. Egos should be done away with.
May Allah guide us to being better Muslims. Aameen.
Allah Hafiz and Eid Mubarak!
What about someone who is really bad causes hurt. Who u have forgiven over and over and nothing changes, and your heart can’t take anymore, because u have your own struggles and this person just adds to it. You don’t have Ill will to them, but they dont respect, they slander,fowl mouthed,basically they hurt with their Tongue etc…. What does Allah say in this situation.
Sabr (or patience) is indeed a virtue in Allah’s eyes. That is why it is one of those things that Allah will personally reward. We all have someone who is like what you have mentioned above; the trick is to keep faith in Allah and keep forgiving no matter how bad things may seem. We will surely get our reward in the afterlife, if not here.
Take care and remember me in your prayers!
Even I have been in this exact situation. I really want an answer for this. Because I havent been talking to my relation too just to keep problems and worries away.
Not facing your problems is never a solution; these things have a way of catching up with you no matter where you are – there is absolutely no running from them.
Have you tried having a heart-to-heart conversation with that family member? Like I said to Fatima, patience and perseverence are virtues that are loved by Allah subhanahu wata’ala; please be strong and keep praying to Allah.
Jazak Allah Khair for this beautiful and well researched article. My brother broke ties with me before Ramadhan and refuses to speak to me no matter what I say or which hadith etc I send. I’ve now sent him your article in the hope that he sees sense.
Family rifts amongst asian families in particular can go on for years due to ignorance in following the culture rather than the deen. May Allah guide us all.
All I can pray is for Allah to show him the error of his ways and mend his ties with you. Hope you get to talking to your brother soon. Insha Allah.
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assalamualaikum,1)I wanted to know about the thing that exactly breaks a relationship in the view
of islam…like what are the things that are obligatory for us to do to maintain a relation, to not cause sin upon ourselves ..2)i also wanted to know that should we not break a relation with someone who is nonmahram to us if they behave badly 3)..and should we not break a relation with a person who is not a relative but a muslim..4)and what if the person is our relative and he tells us that he”ll do black magic on us or can harm us physically,can we break it in this situation.5)this is a general question not related to this topic..is it compulsory for a nonmahram muslim boy and a nonmahram muslim girl to greet each other with islam if they come in front of each other?…please quote quranic verses or hadith if possible…i will be thankful for the help.allahafiz
I am no mufti, just a simple man trying to spread the message of love and respect in light of Islam.
As I said, you need to take these very good questions to a person who has a solid grasp of quran, sunnah and fiqh. I can answer point no. 2 for you, though. When someone is a na-mehram, there is no relationship whatsoever.
May Allah guide us towards his light and show us the right path (Aameen).
Asalammu alaykum, I have a big siblings problem in my life. The worst is my two sister. We always fought and then we stopped talking when we were kids. we haven’t talked in 5 years. This year they have done evil stuff to me like cursing me for no reason except of jealousy. I want to forgive but is hard for me. I have faced some problems because of their curse and i am also suspicions one of them does sihir to too or something like that to me. So what should I do?
Assalamoalaikum sister. You should try to rekindle your relationship with your sisters. You may not necessary have to involve them in your daily life or get too close, just stay on speaking terms with them.
As you may be aware, practicing black magic is one of the biggest evils in Islam. You should try and educate your sister on this.
May Allah show us the right path – Aameen.
in my previous comment the word in the second last line is salam not islam…is it compulsory for a nonmahram muslim boy and a nonmahram muslim girl to greet each other with salam if they come in front of each other
I have some person issue and want to talk you in details and directly, can you email me your mobile email@example.com or can you add me to your skype jahangirdxb.
You can email me at yousuf [dot] bawany [at] gmail [dot] com.
Ramadan is here and i want to be better. I have one sister in particular that i have a really hard time dealing with. She’s so much work. I constantly have to be the one that forgives and comes to her. Is it wrong to not want to have a relationship when is takes so much effort. She’s jealous and has a very angry personality. She’s absolutely exhausting but i want to come to her and discuss our issues and resolve them. Come to some resolution. Thinking about her hurts my brain. What i do to deal or not to deal with her. I just go silent. I ignore her and everything she does. And to be honest I’m relieved because i can be free of her. But i don’t want to feel this way but i can see a solution.
I think in the end, it’s all about the bigger picture. Even I have someone close to me who’s a lot of work, and most times, I’m the one who has to apologize for mistakes that I do not make. I believe that Allah will reward my patience one day, if not in this world, then in the hereafter. I know it takes a lot of guts to put up with someone like this on a daily basis but when all is said and done, we do share the same blood and in the time of need, we will be there for each other no matter what differences we may have.
I pray that Allah gives you the courage to stay strong. Aameen.
p.s. Sometimes, trying to discuss and resolve things makes the situation worse; here’s a little trick that works for me. I just behave normally with that person and let him/her realize that its all for nothing. It does take a few days to work but things do eventually get back to normal for a few days, after which, the whole cycle starts again. 🙂
What if your own dad curses your sister, humiliates everyone verbally, always angry and has been with a woman behind everyones back for a while other then his wife and has been caught .several times. He has not taken care of his wife ( my mother ) who was in his home for years without spending basic neccesaties on her, always no money, sister and I pay\id the way even for some of his personal uses. no support for my sisters business, causing it to go down, driven customers and employees away. no form of communication, has now moved out after everything has been destroyed cut off ties with all of us, except my husband ( consistantly asking for money he has loaned my sister for her business inspite of him taking 80% of what he and my mom owned in the house. Mother is with me and my sis back and forth, no home or money of her own. He has cut ties with his own brothers some sisters since we were little kids , always angry. At times I feel like i want to talk to him but then i look at my mom and see all he has put her through and the mess my sister is in and cant forgive him. he has no remorse.. what do I do? I’ve prayed for him always but now I just dont know what to pray for. He has no desire to make mends with us even though we have been there for eachother all our lives, when we grew up and saw our dad struggle with work we started to help out in the home financially but it reached the point where he started to expect it in a way with no gratification, no love, he allowed a few years to pass with no imput to the home at all except from the 3 women in his home ( 2 daughters & his wife) The list goes on of how much we gave out of love and how much he took out of greed. But the problem is after several times of him wanting to quit on the family because of his anger and leave we worked hard to bring us all together. even after the “other woman” now it just became more final, moved out and no relations at all. = ( what do i do? My mother is his wife , she is not kinship but what punishment do i get for this?
Ramadan Kareem and I hope all is well. Let me share with you a fact of life. We all have people close to us who have hurt us at some point in life; some hurt more, some less. In every situation, Islam shows us the light as well as what we should do in such cases.
From a general perspective, I think you should try speaking to your father even if he doesn’t want to. What I’m about to ask you next is perhaps the most difficult thing to do: forgive him for what he has done. Only Allah knows what the ajr-o-sawaab will be for you. If he doesn’t respond in a similar way, don’t give up. Keep trying to reestablish your ties with him. Don’t do it for him, do it for Allah.
You said he’s on good terms with your husband. Try getting through to him via your husband; maybe he can put some sense into your dad. Parents, in general, can be a bit stubborn and cannot admit their faults easily.
It will be a tough road but keep pushing and one day, he’ll realize what a fool he has been to leave such a loving family behind.
I hope this makes sense to you. This is just my thinking and if you wish, you should discuss the same with a qualified mufti.
Take care and Allah Hafiz
Aslamolaikum , I didn’t speak to my sister for five years. She was very dominant over me , very controlling, it wasn’t easy having husband and kids aswell, she always wanted me to either help her or be around her if I didn’t there would be arguments , but we made up while my husband was away. When he came back he said he cannot accept her in my home . I have pleaded but he still will not accept her, he said I can meet elsewhere . My sister found out and now she’s not speaking to me . So in that kind of circumstances what am I suppose to do . Torn between husband and sister
I am not a religious scholar and I can only give you general advice on what I feel is right. Your relationship with your husband is strained because of your sister. Does your sister have anywhere else to go? Does she have her own home? If yes, then she is, in a way, invading your privacy; you have a life with your husband and kids. If no, then you need to find her a place nearby where she can stay; let her come to your place occasionally and if she needs help, you’ll always be close by.
Make your sister understand this and once she does, she would probably be a little less dominant. Also, discuss this with your husband and make him understand how important your sister is to you. Once you establish some boundaries, things will be smoother and your relationships with both your husband and your sister will be less strained. I hope all this makes sense.
Thankyou brother for your quick response . My sister is married and have kids . She has her home , but that’s the way she is , she goes wherever she wants anytime , with me that’s quite difficult having young children . I tried explaining but nothing seemed to sit in her head . Now the situation is different my husband does not want her at my house , she doesn’t want a relationship where we can meet elsewhere .
I just wanted to do the right thing islamicly , all I know having her in my life causes friction between me and my husband and he’s not understanding no matter what.
In that case, you have to request her to respect your personal space; your husband and your kids come first. Do not do anything as drastic as breaking ties with her; rather just try and make her understand your situation (I know it’s easier said than done).
If she still doesn’t understand your situation, then let her do what she wants. You keep on trying to make this relationship work without compromising your relationship with your husband; In shaa Allah, everything will be alright.
If ties of kinship is more important than oppression, than perhaps, I can just go on and oppress my kinsmen and expect them to be patient with me? Will I get away with everything then? After all, it is expected for my kinsmen to forgive me and not hold any rancour in their hearts. I don’t understand this.
Jazak Allah khair for the kind replies – I’m very pleased to say that my brother has seen sense and come round to talking again. Sometimes it’s simply “old Mans zihd” as we would say in Punjabi … i.e . when one tends to become a little stubborn in old age and not wishing to change their ways. May Allah (swt) Guide us all to the good and protect our families from break-ups etc. Amin.
I am really happy for you and I hope that you enjoy a loving relationship with your brother. Aameen.
If ties of kinship is more important than oppression, than perhaps, I can just go on and oppress my kinsmen and expect them to be patient with me? Will I get away with everything then? After all, it is expected for my kinsmen to forgive me and not hold any rancour in their hearts. I don’t understand this.
The point here is to educate everyone, the oppressed and the oppressors, about what Islam has to say about relationships. After all is said and done, it’s Allah and Allah alone who will judge our actions; us mortals can only hope that we will be saved from his wrath.
i hope you can advise me as i am really feeling lost.
briefly i am in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. i have been struggling for some time.
my parents have been aware for some time but are turning a blind eye and just tell me to try harder etc etc as if its my fault when it isnt. they are happy for me to continue living a life of hell rather than have the shame of divorce. they are so unsupportive and make things worse for me by supporting him. i literally have no-one to turn to for help and after all this lack of support i am supposed to maintain ties and do a fake act when i am so hurt angry and let down at them for failing in a basic parental duty of protecting their child??
please advise how i deal with them and my own situation.
Islam teaches us to love our spouses but not at the cost you’re paying. Domestic violence is something that our society accepts. Unfortunately, people like your parents act as enablers and often end up supporting the culprits. I would suggest that you file a complaint with the local law enforcement authorities and pray that they put some sense into him. Otherwise, ask a mufti who can guide you more about your rights in such circumstances.
I can only pray for you and hope that Allajh helps you find a way out of your predicament.
I have question, I want to distant myself from my brother in the future because we don’t have communication, when we do communicate we end up yelling and arguing. I’m at the point that I don’t want to talk to him. He is able to manipulate, he insults not only me but my other sisters. I’m tired of fighting and try to find peace. Not only I that want to cut him off by sister too. Everyday, we are suffered and it affect our well being. I just find out it is haram but what can I do?
The best way to deal with this situation is to slightly distance yourself from him without breaking ties altogether. Whenever you meet, meet him with respect and avoid any discussions that end up in a conflict. If he does get into one of his moods, you should just shut down completely and do not say or do anything that aggravates the situation further.
See how this works out, otherwise try consulting a religious scholar on this matter. May Allah guide us all to the right path. Aameen.
My family problems are more worst and my auntie (mum sister and her husband) are not talking to us they broke off ties.
My auntie and uncle they doesn’t want us anymore I guess
They are now replacing us with some friends, they have gone close I hate to say this they talk about family problem which u shouldn’t talk about family issues. They told our family friends and that friends of my auntie, my auntie and her daughter talks about my mum making her a villan, the friends of theirs are saying that we know and said to mum why did u do it. The family friend comfort mum. Can anyone just help me please? Here’s my email firstname.lastname@example.org
I have been through a similar situation recently and I can relate to your problem. One thing that I have learned in life is that you cannot stop people from talking. The best thing that you can do is to let them say what they want. Spreading lies and rumors about someone is a serious sin, and people who really matter to you will see right through those accusations. Just keep praying to Allah to give your aunt and uncle some hidaayat so that they can correct their mistakes.
Do not under any circumstances break ties with them. Initiate conversations even if they don’t talk to you; Allah is most pleased with those who are patient and thankful for what they have.
Who knows? Maybe these good deeds will save us from hell-fire on the day of judgement.
Take care and stay strong!
my two older brothers have stopped talking to me, because of what I done. and they said they wont ever talk to me again.
what do u think I should do?
If it was indeed your fault, the best thing you can do is to apologize to them sincerely and ask for their forgiveness for the sake of Allah.
They will Insha’Allah forgive you. Blood is thicker than water.
May allah protect and help us all in our lives and teach us all right from wrong.My family have all split up when my parents passed away. My brother is a drug addict and everyone is fighting over inheritence.Not realizing we cant take money to our graves.Please pray for us, it has gone past the talking stage.
My heart goes out to you. Many a families have been destroyed by drugs and money. All I can do is pray for you, my brother, and for Allah to put some sense into those who don’t see the clear path.
Take care and Allah Hafiz
My husband and my own brother had a very big fallout a year ago, for which my husband forbid me to ever talk or see him again. We havent talked to each other since even though I do see him in family occasions. My husband had tried to forgive him 4-5 times before but my brother keeps repeating the same mistakes till my husband gav up. The sin wont be on him right, because technically he doesnt share the same blood as my brother? but i do. what should i do? i cant talk to my brother because my husband dislikes him.
You cannot break ties with your brother. Maintain your distance but do not cut him off totally.
Relationships are not just about sharing the same bloodline. For me, I need to give the same amount of respect to my in-laws as I should to my parents and siblings.
After all is said and done, Allah knows best.
Jazk Allah Khair…. Thank you for your reply brother. 🙂
Glad I could help, sister.
Thank you for your kind words brother, may allah reward you for listening to others.May allah forgive us all for our sins and give us all patience.
Jazak Allah for the kind words, my brother.
My friend is having extra marital affairs , i strongly oppose this because of that me and my friend is not talking each other from last one year. He is still continuing his extra marital affairs and his family is totally unaware of this , i have to tell he had got a lovely god fearing wife and a 3 year old daughter who loves him so much. But from last one year my friend is having all type of relationship with his girl friend. i objected this and he is not talking to me
What should i do in this situation? please help
I believe the ahadith quoted below should clearly answer your question. But I’d still recommend you try to stray him away from his bad habits, and if he doesn’t listen, just leave his fate to Allah and pray that he gives your friend hidayat.
After all is said and done, Allah knows best.
My family have tried so hard to ruin my chances of living a productive life. My brother, three of them are uneducated, one three years old and two (twins) a year younger.
My dad is responsible for the issues in kinship in our family. My dad taught my brothers to hate me and complete with me by stating to them “you will never be like him, he will live better than you’s and enter heaven”.
My elder brother (30 of age) use to go clubbing, drink, drugs and had a child with a woman outside marriage, this brother has caused the most havoc in the family by police and also resulted me being shot protecting the family. He had sold my car twice to pay off drug dealers. And he taught my other two brothers and three nephews that drug money is fast quick money and this is the life every man wants.
The other two;
one has had more girls friends then Henry the 8th wives. He would spend all his money buying them gifts and caused so much havoc at home. He would give every car I have ever owned to these women to drive claiming the car is his. He has never paid for a bill at home and my mum still makes his breakfast and washes his clothes. Has sold drugs and made an investment in a business and found a girl with the same ethnicity to marry.
One has so much jealousy for me. As I tried to keep the family together sacrificing everything I had to keep us together believing in hope and the future of us all visiting the house of God and fulfil our duty. This one would always cause fights between everyone and undo every good I did. He caused many to hurt me when I was traveling to work, uni, shopping, when every I would leave the home. He has a way of brain washing people with his mouth and claims the Quran states this and that without knowing the scripture.
My sister, she is the eldest and she uses the family to fulfil her desires and pretends to be a blond bimbo where my parents do everything which means commands us to help build her home and financial support. She completes with me for relatives praises as I want to get the family away from the location.
My dad blames me for everything my brothers have done, and is in with the drug business as large amounts of money changes everyone. He said it to my face.
My mum has been brainwashed by mouthy brother and sister. Now my mother stated what did you do? You chased women, money, drugs and party. She and my father said go make your own life we can not deal with this no more. They say this after rubbing me dry, but this does not bother me as much as this because they borrowed loans under my name and left my name defaulted. My studies are all related to finance, and it tough to get standard jobs because employers state your over experienced and qualified. With this new law of no tax or anything for those who work under 21 makes things very tough.
Family don’t talk to me and I don’t talk to them as we argue and fight. I have over two years before my name clears and I can get a decent job and develop a career. I have been practicing islam, learning and studying to control my anger as time goes by. I make very little money to survive and have made closer bond-ship with those who have watched me and my family grow since childhood, I explained my issue and all have said leave them and make your life, we are have and we will help you.
I just wanted your opinions; see once I go i will never return, speak or communicate because it hurts to much knowing I have lost everything and my dreams can never be. My brother have found women to marry who have dictated matters to the state of war without entering the family. It’s in a woman nature to want shiny objects. Tell me what you think, please.
What you have written here tore my heart. We all know that people closest to us tend to cause the most heartache.
If you have decided to move on, please feel free to go anywhere, but stay in touch with your parents and siblings, if only on the phone. At any point in time, if a conflict arises, just keep quiet and let the whole thing pass; adding your opinions will only add fuel to the fire.
It is your responsibility to try and bring your family towards deen; seek help from some relatives who your parents and siblings really respect.
Besides this, you can pray to Allah to bring them all to the right path. After all is said and done, we all have to go to our own graves and answer for our deeds. May Allah help us all (aameen).
I am struggling with a lot of family problems specialy these days, just now I got informed by my dad that I am not allowed to talk to any of my mums brothers at all. I haven’t been in contact with three if them from the past 10 years approximately. Please help me find a convincing way to convince them to meet my uncles again, as much as I respect my dad I also love and respect my uncles and realy want all family problems to go away nd us all be a family, a happy family we were 10 years ago
Please help me with my situation.. I am break and very sensitive about the ones I love . My uncles have loved me a lot but so has my dad. Be haven’t spoken to our 3 uncles from almost three years now because my grand father had told us to, because he says they have done things that are evil and are realy harmful to us, the have told us that they have closed these bonds of those uncles with us for our own good and for our peace of mind… This hasent given me any peace but has just made me curious, anxious and eager to get all if this over with. But I’m not independent nd I am not old enough to make my decisions but I think not talking to my uncles is just making things worse, I don’t even know 3 of my cousins because I have no link with them and I haven’t spoken to almost 6 of my cousins because our families have kept us from doing so. This has driven me crazy and I am just broken by thinking about a future without all those of my cousins and uncles and aunts who I have always imagined their in my future since I was a little kid. Because my lack of knowledge in Islam I am not exactly sure if how to convince my dad and grand dad on the bases of our religion… I am in desperate need of help right now because this matter has taken my concentration of my studies and has made me very upset and I am just depressed and I keep thinking of ways to make this better but I just end up in tears. I just want everything back together. Please help me. Salam!
Islam has zero-tolerance policy on breaking ties. Please ask your father and your grandfather to read this article.
‘And for them is the unhappy (evil) home’ should be enough to get any devout Muslim to reconcile with their family.
Islam tells us to treat our parents’ friends with respect and maintain ties to them even after our parents have passed away. What you are talking about are blood relations and they can, in no circumstances, be severed.
I sincerely apologize for the late reply as I have just moved to a new country and haven’t been checking these comments as frequently as I’d like to.
My Allah steer us all to the path of the righteous (aameen).
Assalam walaykum .
I have been cut off from my son for over a year and it has affected me a lot , I went to the shariah court and it was ruled in my fav , but my ex rejected it and instead I have to go court where false allegations have been laid against me .how do I cope with. This ? It has affected my health nd ate of mind ?
Assalamoalaikum Brother Abdullah,
If the court ruled in your favor, no one can keep you from seeing your son. I’m not really sure what has happened between you and your wife, but an innocent child should not be kept away from either one of his parents; don’t let your personal feud ruin your child’s life. If your wife is even a little reasonable, she would understand how important a father is to a child’s mental and physical well-being.
After all is said and done, I can only pray for you.
What if your husband stops you from talking to ur sibling? I have to obey my husband. He gets very angry if I try to be in touch with my brother as my brother has hurt us in many ways. I’m afraid if I disobey my husband I could be in trouble. what shall I do?
Try explaining your situation to your husband. You cannot just cut-off ties with your family no matter how much they might have hurt you in the past. Keep in touch with him and ask your husband to forgive your brother; if we forgive someone today, we can expect Allah to forgive us on the day of judgement.
, she heard from my voice I was upset and insisted on knowing what is wrong, I told her. Five years down the line my cousin turns her face to me and my sister has distanced herself from me.
Try reconnecting with both of them and figure out how to fix things between you all. That’s probably the best advice I can give you at this point. I understand the pain our loved ones can cause us; the best thing to do is forgive and forget.
Just wanted you to know that this blog of yours I found it in google and forwarded it to my entire family and some friends, it helped me a lot specially with a brother who was upset and it never happened in our entire life that my brothers didn’t talk to me as im the only sister with four brothers and they all love me but recently few months back one of my brother was upset with me, after recieving my email he realized and said sorry to me. This set of Quran verses and ahadith made it so easy i would have never convinced my brother with my words than these verses./ hadiths You are doing a great job and mashallah a great way of sadaqa jariah for yourself alhamdollilah. May Allah accept your great work and reward you for this. Ameen
This is the beauty of islam and miracle of Quran ! SubhanAllah !
JazakAllah kher ,
I cannot begin to tell you how happy this makes me feel. It’s a shame so many Muslims across the world break ties with their loved ones for petty reasons; the only reason I wrote this blog was to help people reunite with their loved ones.
Take care and Allah Hafiz
my mother in law told my husband she didn’t want me to bring my kids down her house [i am a revert whose mother in law has never accepted and has always tried to make my marriage hard].
i didnt ask for this but i am choosing to stay away for the simple fact that i as a muslim have the right to a peaceful happy life and so do my children. i as a muslim have the right to a life without abuse and oppression [since 12years]
may Allah make it easy for everyone who has to suffer because of others Aaameen
May be you should turn your situation into am opportunity to guide your mother-in-law towards Islam. May Allah guide us all to the right path. Aameen.
I know what I’m about to say might seem like a lot to ask, but trust me; it’s the best advise you can get. What your husband is trying to do by visiting his parents frequently is actually very good. I’d advise him to take your daughter along next time he goes to visit; it might help melt your mother-in-law’s heart. No matter how bad things may seem right now, she is, after all, the mother of your husband and one of the most important people in his life. Please do not even think about breaking ties with her; stay strong and keep the faith – she will come around eventually.
It saddens me to see how a perfectly good mother-son relationship takes a hit only because the son gets married; if we could only remove the phrase ‘in-law’ from mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, things would be much simpler; both parties need to respect the rights of the other and should refrain from taking control. At the end of the day, it’s up to the man to keep the peace and help resolve any conflicts in light of Islam.
I pray for you, my sister.
Wow! In the end I got a blog from where I can truly get useful facts regarding my study and knowledge.
I have a sister that told me she doesnt want to know me, hear from me or even see me again, and after reading your article i am getting kind of bothered because i know this can go on for years.in this case do i still have to talk to her?
Waalaikumussalam brother. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, you can still continue to talk to her. Share this post with her if you can; maybe she can correct her ways.
but islam-wise, do i still have to try with her? will i be punished if i dont?
Keep trying for Allah’s sake and expect good things from him.
My parents do not want me to speak to my brother and sister as they disrespected my parents. However I still speak to them but I am scared my parents will find out. Please advise?!
Basically this is so true but the sad reality is nowadays some people you knock on the doors purposely they wont open it and them uncle aunties don’t like you . Don’t come to weddings and funerals then wtf are we meant to do
That shouldn’t stop us from being better Muslims and teaching our kids to be the same. Be a role model for everyone.
I honestly live these posts of you.great jobs well done.
My problem is that I can’t forgive him this time, no matter what. I’ve forgiven him in the past, but this time, it was the last straw. My brother is physically abusive. He’s too full of himself, and if anyone ‘dares’ to speak against him or out to him, he will beat up to shut you up. To him, ‘no one’ can say anything he doesn’t like and he can do whatever he pleases. He has tried to hurt my mother, sister, and me. The only reason I was lucky and didn’t get a beating was because my aunt ran out in front of me and took it for me. She had black bruises all over her body for months. That was what would’ve happened to my 13 year old self.
He has always hated me, and in some weird way, has been jealous of me. I respected my elders and had good relations with them, while he did not. So when they would buy me presents or take me places, and they wouldn’t do that with him, his envy grew. My parents didn’t help matters by broadcasting it all around our house; for example, my aunt would buy me shoes, and my mom would be proud and show them off to my dad and my sister and everyone. Of course he would hear, and be jealous. He has made my mom heartbroken and cry, yet still she loves him, and prays for him because she doesn’t want her only son to go to hell.
He has made my family cry tears of blood (metaphorically) and spends his entire life shut up in his room playing games. He’s in his 20’s, and doesn’t pray or do a damn thing besides mooch off my parents, and play games. My dad would’ve kicked him out ages ago, except for the fact that my mom stopped him because she is afraid of what he will get into if he leaves our house, she says at least now she knows what he does, but she’s afraid of what he will do if he leaves. She’s afraid he will get into drugs, waste his life away, end up in prison, or worse, end up killed.
We’ve done everything we practically could at this point. He is a manipulative, spoiled abusive jack*ss who hates me guts. He pretends he loves me and acts all innocent, asking my relatives why I hate him, as if he doesn’t know. He could have ended my life, and then he would have really ended up in jail and hell from Allah for eternity, I think.
He has tried to hurt me several times just for me speaking, my words injure him that much. They are not bad words, but the truth. He wants to kill me for my opinion. So I stopped even talking to him or when I’m asked about a matter, I refuse to talk or have anything to do with him. But when it’s something between me and my sister and we’re talking to our mother, he thinks he can come and shut me up just for the heck of it. It’s absolutely none of his business, but for some reason he has a serious issue with me and wants me to be silent and afraid of him. Like I’ve said, I’ve forgive him in the past, but this was the last straw, after he tried to hurt me again when I was talking to my mother with my sister about an argument. I’m done with that f*cking sh*t, he’s a sorry excuse for a human, in fact, he’s not a human being, but the devil’s child. I’m through with him and I’ll NEVER forgive him, no matter what. I can not, for the life of me, forgive him, no matter how I think of it or try to. Screw him. My family has went through grief and anger, and now they’re at the point where they say he’s ill and just pray for him. That piece of sh*t isn’t ill, he’s too arrogant and full of himself and does not know where he stands. I think the fact that there was an absence of a father figure when we were younger and him not being taught any manners or to respect elders contributed to this. I hate his f*cking guts and I hope he goes to hell, where he belongs. I hope he feels pain beyond of what is feeling pain. I hope someone bigger and stronger than him comes along, and shuts him and and treats him like a damn slave, and refuses to let him speak or do anything.
I’m sorry you had to read all of this and see it, but it’s the truth. He’s so stupid, he tries talking to me and asks me why I hate him, and you know what? I told his sorry *ss that he tries to take my life, and that I’m through with forgiving him. He tries to deny it, and I told him that he knows and I know. From now on, if I even see him, I’m leaving the room, I refuse to stand anywhere where he is. He’s absolutely lost, and seems beyond help. He doesn’t pray, or read the Quran, or respect my parents, or respect my sister who is older than him by many years. He doesn’t respect me who is younger than him, and he doesn’t respect my younger brother, who is just a child who doesn’t know any better, we have to keep him away from him in fear that he will hurt him with his mood swings and ‘raging’.
I sent a message previously about my parents asking me to stop speaking talking to my siblings because they disrespected my parents. I knew that cutting ties is against islam so i continued to keep in contact with my siblings. My father has now found out that i was speaking to them behind his back, I advised him that this is against islam and that you shouldn’t stop speaking to someone for more than 3 days and my dad responded that in the quran/hadith it also says if ur parents tell you not to do something then you shouldn’t do it. Please could you advise? Thanks
The word of the Quran and prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) supersedes your parents’. If your parents tell you to do something that goes against the teachings of Islam, you should not obey that.
Only Allah knows best.
Salaam,I’m so stress my mum and dad not talkin to my relatives and also blame my brother and my sister in law because they came back from Pakistan and that’s how it started. My dad never argue with my hubby but for the first he did it’s becuz they listening to others. can u plz do dua hope they get along. It’s been nearly 8 months til now. Allah hafiz
Salaam,I’m so stress my mum and dad not talkin to my relatives and I also blame my brother and my sister in law because they came back from Pakistan and that’s how it started. My dad never argue with my hubby but for the first he did it’s becuz they listening to others. can u plz do dua hope they get along. It’s been nearly 8 months til now. Allah hafiz
Salaam,I’m so stress my mum and dad not talkin to my relatives and I also blame my brother and my sister in law because they came back from Pakistan and that’s how it started. My dad never argue with my hubby but for the first time he did it’s becuz they listening to others. can u plz do dua hope they get along. It’s been nearly 8 months til now. Allah hafiz
In my opinion, the worst of the people are those who find ways to break perfectly good relationships. You just have to keep the faith; Allah whall indeed find a way to show who was right and who was at fault.
Salam alikam I have a ? I have a brother who is on drugs and drinks alcohol and the last straw was when he hit me on my head, for which reasons my husband had said I’m not allowed to visit his home and same vice versa. If he doesn’t have his way he abuses and accuses so much filth and I have 3 daughters as well,not good for them . I have forgiven him and pray for him but other than that don’t speak to him as it’s the same thing every time and I can’t take it anymore. Am I wrong for doing this?
My mother doesn’t let me speak to my cousins and aunties, and if i do ill be cut from her life
What should i do
I don’t think your mother should influence you to do something that is frowned upon in Islam. Try to share the information in this blog with her.
May Allah guide her to the right path.
I have a similiar problem, my sisters who are far from me always announce the time, date, and days they will be coming up to see me… they never include me in the planning for us to get together by asking how I’m feeling, “when can we get together, that works best for us both”. I have a chronic illness for several years and have recently stopped working due to. Sometimes it has been difficult on me physically to prepare and maintain, so I asked recently for one sister to ask to stay with another muslim family member which caused upset.
My problem has not been with the visiting, but in the manner in which they do so. I feel disregarded. I’m of low means and would appreciate if possible to be able to work and save money for our visiting, this is denied me by their way. If an emergency then I’m okay with this, but if not, I’m not.
Also when they do visit, they don’t like my asking them to use a maida to eat over or to not change babies near prayer areas, and come in/out my home at any hour of late morning they choose, having awakened me when I had to work . etc. They don’t respect me at all– I feel and are only using my house to save money to visit friends here and to see me some. They are not speaking to me. I have sent them literature on courtesy, the rights of the host and the guest.
Islam gives you the right to your privacy, especially when you are married. Unfortunately, when people start taking you for granted, they tend to overlook the discomfort their behavior can cause.
I believe you should talk to them openly about this issue. If they are unable to understand your situation, it is their loss. I’m not telling you to break off ties with them, just set some ground rules and boundaries that they have to adhere to.
Slaam. Thank you for this info its really helpful. But im in a dilemma. I have left my family to get married and I have a daughter now. I talk to my mum and her brother who is my uncle. When we do talk all he says is the things that r happening to my parents is a punishment. He also tells me stuff that I know would hurt them. I dont want to hear or know these stuff. What should I do if he keeps telling me stuff hat would hurt the rest of my family.? I feel like im stuck in the middle
I suggest you disregard what your uncle says, especially if it is something that may or may not be true. Moreover, try and tell him to keep the bad things about others hidden as Allah really likes those people.
I tried talking to my brother he talks bad about me talk bad to other people about me
My family and friends tried talking to him but he just hates me
Also his trying to separate me from my in laws my husband etc
What shall I do
You can never stop people from talking about/behind you. That’s the way of the world. Your actions should speak louder than your brother’s word and eventually, people will realize who’s right.
In the meantime, try confronting your brother and request him not to meddle in your family affairs.
May Allah help us all see the light. Aameen.
Assalamualykum. I have brothers one elder than me and one younger than me. Iv been married 6 years and atleast for the last ten years my elder brother has bad arguments regularly with my father. Suprisingly my younger brother and i have not ever back answered my dad and always pampered him and loved him. My elder brother has somuch poison in his mind for my father that he keeps abusing him not only behind his back but to his face as well. My poor fathet just keeps forgiving him over and over again but now after he is married he not only ill treats my father but also my mother after listening to his wife who lies all the time. She always corners my mom when my mom has always done everything for her and helped her with somany things and fulfiled almost all her desires but my brother has given room to his wife to misbehavr with my parents. Time and again they were asked to move out of my parents home but my bros wife refused bcoz she has zero responsibilities and only sleeps all day while my mom is extremely hard workibf at home and does eveyrthing for hwr sons. But its about time. This time it just webt overboard and i am the younger sister but i stood up for my parents and told my brother brutally that he only listens to his wife and that he illtreats parents when he is supposed to look for jannah through them. He still goes on and on about my father and makes ugly untolerable statements about my dad . Am i wrong by standing up for my parents. Should i not interefere bcoz i have exhausted my energy making him understand the value of parents in islam especially those parents who havr given us everything that we have wished for and a life many people envied. Its very sad. I dunno what to do. I think his wife drives him against me even more after listening to what i had to say about his wife and maybe my relationship wid my brother ends here bcoz he will always take her side at any cost and Allah knows how evil she is
Assalamualykum, I wanted to ask someone’s advice, my father left when I was 9 years old and has never wanted anything to do with me and my sister. The day my mother passed away (2 years ago) he felt guilt and wanted forgiveness from us which we gave him but as we attempted to invite him into our lives he didn’t want anything to do with as he didn’t want to support us not just financially he didn’t want to be involved at all. He started to question why I had other people living with me and how they are not helping me (I look after my aunty) etc. I felt that his actions were not sincere and he only did this as he didn’t want to be punished for his actions because all he kept asking was that I ask allah swt to forgive him for what he put us through. He started to speak with us for about a month until he didn’t want to help us financially (I always said I did not want his money as I am not the type of person to ask for someone’s help or rely on anyone) he started to spread rumours about me and my younger sister to other family members, saying things how we treated him badly and didn’t welcome him with open arms. Sometimes I feel that I will be punished because I do not have feelings towards him but was very hurt when he spoke about his own daughters in such a manner. All I want to know is would I be punished for not attempting to bring me back when it was his decision to stop talking to us in the first place.
In all my experience, I have realized that the sooner I forgive someone, the faster I heal (emotionally). Please forgive your father and try maintaining a cordial relationship with him. Rumors die down after a while; Allah will always be on your side.
After all is said and done, Allah knows best.
Assalamualykum. I have a problem. You see, my younger sister does not respect me nor my parents. She’s always shouting at us, hitting us, swearing at us. And it always worries me that she’ll always be like this. She’s young but she needs to understand that she’s hurting us by not showing any signs of respect.
Salam where do I start I’ve had a tough life past few years basically wats been happening my daughter who was in serious illness for 11 months my uncle (mums brother ) never came to see her in those 11 months when my daughter passed away( may ALLAH grant her the highest place in jannat ul firdous) that’s wen he came my husband in anger shouted and said why have u come now that she is dead a quarrel broke out at the place my parents shouting at my husband u did wrong so after my daughter got buried my uncle came for 3 days but after that he said I’m not coming no more my parents especially my mum was saying to my husband u did wrong go and apologise to uncle my husband said I did nothing wrong why did he not come to see my daughter wen she was in hospital 11 months they said he been busy so while they was saying all these things defending my uncle my husband gave up and went to say sorry to him so after that everyone got ok going to eachother houses and happy after a year passed i had a son he was in hospital with infection so we came home everyone came to see him but not my uncle the same one (mums brother ) it’s been nearly a year and he hasn’t come what the problem is he has a party at his house my parents told me they have invited me it told my husband and he said we are not going he said why should we be in his happiness wen he didn’t be in our happiness but now my parents are arguing with me and saying leave it he didn’t come was busy blah blah so let’s go to party I’ve said no so many times they don’t understand that my uncle has done the same thing again not seeing my son they are and have been defending him all life and not listening to me so plz tell me wat do I do… Do I listen to my parents or husband I’m stuck in the middle plz help
Do you know for certain that your uncle deliberately doesn’t want to be part of your happiness? Islam teaches us to forgive and to not let a misunderstanding get in the way of our relationship.
Whether you want to go to the party or not is upto you, but maintaining ties means giving the other person the due respect whenever you meet/talk to them.
May Allah show us the right path. Aameen.
Assalamualykum, I had a fight with my older brother about a year ago after he sent pictures of my small sister sleeping with no hijab to my female class mates, who showed it to other boys. I confronted my brother the same day about it in front of a female class mate and afterwards he couldn’t stop shouting for about half an hour. He tried to humiliate me by saying oh you think you are a man now and saying you are always quiet and basically like a cat. Afterwards he tried to punish me by lying to me on one occasion saying that he could not drive me to the barber when he was already going with his friend. My anger finally turned very extreme when during a university event he flirted with my female class mates and pictured with them even though he knows our family is raised with islamic manners and this is haram. That night I heard him brag about how he stole the show and all the girls talked to him. It was on the same night that I decided I will no longer see him as a brother but as an extra person that I have to keep up with in the house. After that a fight broke out in the house and he was saying why should I apologize to him he should apologize he is the younger one and we did apologize but I never saw him as a brother but rather as an enemy. He has changed and came to his senses and changed his habits. We have ups and downs and he is trying very hard to get me to see him as a brother again. I find this very difficult because I know deep down he still regards me as the jealous young brother and I see no point in talking with him. I feel disgusted every time he is around me on any occasion, as he is always trying to look cool and popular which sickens me. I used to tolerate this before and accepted it but after this led to him crossing the line with me I don’t feel like I can ever talk to him as a brother again. Please help. I think a major cause for this is us being close in age and in the same college, plus our dad past away years ago. I don’t feel like i can share the house with him and I am afraid of totally cutting my relations with him in the future.
We don’t have the power to read someone’s true feelings. You may think your brother is still jealous of you but you also said he’s trying to change; if I were you, I’d give him the benefit of doubt. No one is perfect; he may have his flaws and you’ll truly be able to influence his choices only if you’re closer to him.
I pray that Allah show us all the right path. Aameen.
Salaam, my sister who isn’t very religious is planning to marry an English man. She says he will revert (but this is for love) although he has read the Quran and doesn’t eat pork etc. My husband has never met this man buts says no real revert would marry my sister and if the marriage goes ahead he won’t have anything to do with them and our kids can’t see them. I believe we should give him a chance as Allah knows best that they may embrace Islam and not have a negative impact on our kids.he wants us to cut ties now. What shall I do? ws
What your sister is (willingly) doing is between Allah and her; we mortals should not pass judgement on her actions. As for severing ties, please talk to your husband and make him understand that it is not permissible in any case.
Only Allah knows best.
This is Nadia’s husband. It’s all good stating the obvious about not severing ties, however when you see the impact on your kids (which we don’t have yet, but) growing up with a Aunty and uncle who e.g. In Ramadan when the Muslim ummah is steadfast in prayer, my sister in law is on holiday roaming around Europe semi naked. And what’s worse is her mother is on holiday with her. the dad is in his own world. My own family are religious but they are quite far from where I live which is near my in laws.
I am seriously concerned about the influence on my children which you only get one shot at to be frank. And don’t want them growing up with cousins raised by my sister in law. And the wider influence I.e. My kids telling me if their Aunty has married in this fashion then why can’t I.
Not sure what you’re experience is in this matter. But simply quoting the Quran is not really helpful.
I’m not asking your wife to vacation with her sister, just that she doesn’t sever ties altogether. As for how your kids see their future uncle and aunt, you will certainly have to set some ground rules about dress codes, behavior around children, flaunting their relationship in front of them, etc.
Again, I’m not a religious scholar, just someone like you who thought it would benefit the Muslim ummah to learn Islam’s ruling on severing ties. Please check with a mufti for a better response.
I pray that Allah show us the right path. Aameen.
Salaam, thank you for your response. I agree we should not judge. However fundamentally my husband believes my sisters boyfriend will not be a “proper” revert and will never accept this marriage on this basis alone. He thinks if he was, he would have converted already. I have tried to explain to him we should not cut ties and try embrace this man and show him the beauty of Islam through our actions. He will never change his mind I am sure. So I am torn. Your advise would be much appreciated (I know my husband has also messaged you).
Salaam, I think this ground rules is a good idea and I believe that she will and should respect these. Inshallah my husband considers this. I agree I will not go on vacation with my sister and keep distance. But cutting ties all together does not seem right to me. If you have any details of a mufti please let us know.
My sister was advised by a mufti to cut of ties with our brothers wife as she is suspected of doing blackmagic n also not to eat her cooked meals .also my sister waz told to confront her with this subject of her doing blackmagic . My sister lives in the same house along with our parents.
should the mufti have advised this ? ( the mufti first asked my sister do u have any proof of the sisterinlaw doing blackmagic , and my sister told him of some incidences . My sister felt afraid for the safety of parents and her children.) I told her on many occasions this wasnt the right move as it has caused alot of problems between all of them and things are very tenes 😦 please help jazakAllahu khair
Waalaikumussalam sister. I cannot question a mufti’s ruling since he must have analyzed the situation from all angles. You’d be better off double-checking his verdict with another mufti. Allah Hafiz.
Assalamu Alaikum Ahki, I pray you can give me some good advice because I’m at a loss for words. I’m the only Muslim in my family and it’s been a rocky and lonely road. I have been made the butt of the joke with all my ex-friends and family. They mock me by saying I want to be an Arab when I recite Qur’an, pray or anything that deals with the dikr of Allah. I’ve struggled over the years to maintain my deen by engaging in things I shouldn’t be engaged in. As I write my deen is stronger than it’s ever been but my relationship with my family is bad as its ever been. It seems to get worser by the day. I’ve already planned on leaving the City in which I reside due to the major scrutiny, harassment and insults that I’ve had to endure for the last 4 years straight. They embarrass me on social networks everyday. After reading the hadith’s I’m petrified of just going my way without the raft of Allah descending down on me in this life and the next. I honestly don’t know how to approach these individuals. I don’t want to apologize for being Muslim, just to get along. I come from a family that’s devoid of love and civility. They honestly don’t know how to love. It’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to maintain my composure. The other day I called my grandmother to tell her about my issues and the judgemental people in my family and now most of my family is on Facebook discussing the contents of our conversation. I love my grandmother but I’ll never confide in her again or any other member in my family. It’s disastrous not having a confidant. I pray that Allah allows you to give me the dawa that I need to succeed……
Trust you’re well. Sincere apologies for not being able to respond earlier. I have realized that staying away from Social Media is actually healthy; I have decreased spending time on Facebook and it has helped me a lot. As for people, let them talk; just know in your heart that you are right and they aren’t, and that Allah has something amazing in store for you for all the hardships you are facing now. Be strong, my brother!
As far as your relationship with your parents is concerned, I came across a few quranic verses as well as a hadith that will give you your answers.
“And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents; but if they strive to make you join with Me (in worship) anything (as a partner) of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not”
“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly”
It was narrated that Asma’ bint Abi Bakr (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: My mother came to me when she was a mushrik. I consulted the Messenger of Allaah (S) and said: O Messenger of Allaah (S), my mother has come to me and she is expecting (something), should I uphold the ties of kinship with my mother? He said: “Yes, uphold the ties of kinship with your mother.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2620) and Muslim (1003).
In a nutshell, you are one vital link between your parents/relatives/friends and Islam and I suggest you use it to your advantage and try bringing them to this religion.
And Allah Knows Best!
what if a muslim friend said something that hurted you alot and never apologies but said salam to u the nest day?
Say, “Waalaikumussalam”. 🙂
In all my years, I have realied that forgiveness is the key to a happy, well-balanced life. Follow this advice and believe me, your life would be a whole lot simpler!
My nephew divorced my daughter and we stop talking to him but I still talk to my brother and other family members but I don’t go to their home only in the street or town centres
Do you think I’m doing the right thing
What you are doing is the right thing. Actually, nothing is stopping you from visiting your brother’s home too. Divorce is not the end of relationships that were there before. Do it for Allah’s happiness, and I’m sure he’ll reward you plenty.
As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. I have a very complex situation with my mother. I suffered a stroke in 2010 and another in 2011 while recuperating in the hospital after having obstructive intestinal surgery. After this period, I had to take residency in her home, renting a room. It got to a point where she wouldn’t allow me to use the kitchen to prepare any food for myself, wasn’t allowed to have a key to get into the building even on the coldest winter days and couldn’t even have a key to the apartment. And as each day passed, she continued to get more evil towards me until finally she threw me out of her home even though I still have physiological issues resulting from the strokes. I still love my mom, but can’t stand her because of how mean she is towards me. I pray to ALLAH that HE preserves my heart from disliking her in the same way that she dislikes me. Any advice akhi?
Even though Islam puts a lot of emphasis on the rights of parents, it also specifies the rights of children; unconditional love is one of them. It pains my heart to read about your situation, and believe me when I say this; I know what you’re going through.
Parents, no matter how they may treat you, are still the ones who brought you into this world and need to be treated with respect. Islam even asks us to treat non-muslim parents nicely.
Do you think she may have some psychological issues? Is there someone close to your mother who can intervene on your behalf? Was there something that you may have done in the past that is triggering this emotional block? Have you tried discussing how you feel with her? Often times, a heart-to-heart talk can clear up a lot of confusion, and even though she may deny it, she will always have a soft spot for you.
May Allah guide us all to the right path (Aameen).
I’m a 26 year old Pakistani girl. Since September 2015 I have been talking to a revert from Germany, his name is Yunus and he is 27 years old.
We both met on a Muslim marriage app, since September we have been talking seriously about what we want for our future, always including Allah in everything. We prayed to Allah and the signs to move forward came back positive for us both. Yunus has informed his family about me, who are not Muslims. They are very supportive of his decision and are happy for him. In January I told my mother that I am speaking to Yunus. However the outcome was horrible. When my mother told my brothers, she twisted it to make it sound like an internet fling. Without asking me anything or inquiring about Yunus, my mother and 2 brothers said I can never marry him as he is German and it will destroy my dad!
Since January they did not mention this subject again. Recently my mother approached me and said she would like to make a profile on an internet marriage site for me. This really upset me, I said no. I said I suggested a good person who I hoped you would have talked to at least and met him. Yunus was willing to talk to my brothers and meet them and give them the time they need to know him. My mother said ok we will talk with him. She then said I will talk to your bothers and we will give Yunus a chance. A week later I realised they have no intention of talking to Yunus. Instead of this my mother and brothers said I can never marry him and I can never let my dad know about this. No matter what I say, they will not even agree to meet Yunus. My heart is really broken because I cannot leave him. MashAllah he is a really caring loving person and Allah has blessed me to have him in my life. I just don’t know what I can do or say to my family. In sha Allah I want to talk with my dad but I feel nervous as I don’t have any back up from my brothers or mother. I feel they will never accept him and I will never leave him, so the solution is for me to leave home. This is something me and Yunus don’t want, we wanted everyone involved but we see it as our only solution.
Please enlighten me with your advice.
As far as relationships outside of marriage are concerned, these are haraam, even if it is just chatting on the internet or talking on the phone.
My advice to you would be to try and convince your parents/brothers to accept this man; running away and leaving them is not a solution.
I also suggest you discuss your predicament with a mufti who may guide you to the correct path.
May Allah bless us all. Aameen.
I’m 20 yr and my sister who a year younger who doesn’t respect my mother and refuses to wear hijab and is not talking to my oldest brother. I try to explain to her one day but then she said don’t tell me about Islam till I ask, so I don’t bother mention and let do what she wants, I wanted to knock her teeth out and sometimes wanted to kill her because of the humiliation that she has brought to the family, the reason why my sister and oldest brother dont talk is because of a birthday party my youngest brother who is 5yr my oldest brother said it haram and tried to attack my sister and my uncle stop it.
My oldest brother prays 5 times a day and Islam stuff but plays games and lock himself in his room and he is more disrespectful to my mother then my sister, he will shout at my mother about bills and stuff and look at her and does the middle finger at her for no apparent and in the middle of the living room, his 24 and he knows Islam and respecting ones parents and whenever relatives comes over, everyone will think his good boy with uni degree (riba money) and his characteristics towards his relatives are better then him towards our mother, the only one he speaks to is me and my mother, he disrespects and argues with me and also debates but whatever I say he doesnt carre, he wants evidence and I tell go look it up, he doesn’t even bothers. Me and him are only people who practicing ones and my other siblings are uneducated, whenever he try to debating with him I stay quiet or say OK your right but after he is not satisfied he goes to my mother and does the same and my mothers is frustrated and shouts at him saying ‘ Leave me alone I have raised all what more do you want ‘ and he says to her you’re a loser with a cruel tone and says shut up during the conversation whenever mum wants to say something.
One day I went to shower and came out got my other brothers trousers and my oldest brother said “I want that trousers”, I said no its not yours and he started throwing things near me or across the room and I was like , what are you doing, he looked at me and put the middle finger, I was annoyed. My other brother said what’s going on and I said nothing and I was going to the kitchen and my oldest bro gave me hard push, I was pissed and punched serval times even in the faces and he was shielding his face with his arms and I was still punching him until my other brother stop it. I was satisfied with the results, next day he said to me ” do that again I fk u up” and I said ” bring it”. After a week or so he started talking to me in a respectable tone. After 3 weeks it was back to the same old.
My sister shows a little respects now but still refuses to wear hijab or anything and whenever I tell about the deen, she gets frustrated and annoyed or ignores me, so I don’t bother mention the deen with her and let continuing do what she does and insha’allah Allah will guide her, my father is in a different country and we haven’t seen him in years(personal reasons). Will I be accountable for what my sisters does?
Im one yr older then my sister who is 18 and as her older brother I tried give Islam advice but she refuses to wear hijab and dress inappropriate, me and my brothers (who are all older) are pissed about it. I tried to advice her until she said, don’t advice me till I ask.
So I stopped and let her do what she wants and my other brothers as well, she goes out late and sometimes doesn’t come back till next day, she always said that I’ll run away and we told go, she didn’t. Once I was playing my game and we some talk about the deen and she ask if Allah existed and I said he has always existed and that was the last time. My sister still doing what she wants and I even took 3 of her skinny jeans and throw it in the park but she had one left and my mom & uncle told me to get them back, I said it haram what she doing but they still told me.
So I went to the park to the branches and I couldn’t find it, lol someone must of took it, but now she uni and has riba students loan and goes out more. I decided to go Holland with my grandma instead of facing the consequences of what will happen, my father doesn’t live with us. My 3 older brothers have to deal with the situations now. Will I be accountable for All the haram she does? May Allah guide her.
You are accountable for your actions only; your sister will be answerable for her choices. I’d suggest that as her brother, keep discussing Islam and its teachings with her; don’t give up on her, OK?
May Allah make us good practicing muslims and guide us to the right path. Aameen.
Will I enter hell fire if my father does not live with me? Because my parents split up a while ago and i havent met my father in a long time.
I think you should reach out to your father and at least try keeping a civil relationship with him.
Salaam Aleykum I have two sister older than me i love my sister but they don’t like me i become so stress they don’t talk to me no phone calls
Let them do what they want; you keep doing what Allah wants you to do. Just keep a civil relationship with them.
I need help.. Please guide me.
My father is a substance abuser for many years. He lost my mum as he tried killing her many times. He list his business. The entire family lost respect for him because of the way he lies., backbites to get points, he is even disrespectful towards my grandfather (his dad). He literally lost everything due to substance abuse
As we grew up in a broken home it affected us emotionally however i was strong enough to finish school and start my own life. My sister too. My baby brother was most affected he is a substance abuser too. He didnt finish primary school so he sponges off my mum now.
My father lost all respect for himself he doesn’t care how he looks, how he smells, what he does, etc
Through the years the emotional abuse got worse. I would stay away from visiting my grandfather because of him. He would always make sure i leave the house crying. We would always end up in arguments because i would speak of the deen too him and he would get so mad that he snashes things and hits walls. His negativity is way too much to deal with and he is a blatant liar. When he denands things and if i cant help him he would get crazyand tbrow things in my face of what he done for us before. He believes my brother and wife wants to poison him so he needs food from the outside world like take aways.
If u cant assist he lashes out and says nadty things
This year our last altercation included materialistic things. Where again i ended up going hime crying to my mom in law and husband
I stayed away for over a month.
My grandfather fell ill so this past Sunday i decided to go see him. I greet my father but thats as far as it goes. My grandfather fell the Monday so i was thete everyday this week to check up on him.
My father started speaking to me wgich was okay however it ended uglier than before
Shukr Allah my grandfather was much better today. However my father looked weird and not normal. He made a statement of people fighting for my grandfathers house i told him that does not concern me as i have my own home so he should not categorize me into that. He said deviks cime in parda meaning my aunty who took my grandfather to hospital twice this week i told him he camt judge only Allah can. He must not make ugly statements like that. He started speaking all his siblings down because they drink alcohol how they goin to bury thr dad i said he must stop this is going to get out of control instead of backbiting i told him to turn to Allah and make dua that Alkah must help them all become better Muslims tjis made him upset. He said we are devils because we only come to the house when my grandfather is sick. I said really? Did u ever think the family doesnt come to the house because of how you treat each one of us. He claims my eldest brother is not his son he badmouths my mother and all family members. When i start speaking of thr deen he freaks out
By this time he went to the lounge to continue badmouthing. After i greeted my grandfather i went to the lounge sat next to my elderly brother. My father came in the lounge with coffee. I said… Daddy all these years u hurt me and fought ugly with me i forgive u he said who am i to forgive im not Allah. I said i forgive u so i can have peace within my heart. Im not perfect but im trying to be a better muslim i stopped clubbibg and consuming alcohol and engaging in wrong. If i can u can change too just put ur faith in Almighty and change ur lifestyle
He got furious said nasty things to me accusing us of black magic because we only come to my grandfather when his very sick. I told him i believe in Almighty i dont turn to the moulanas for wrong doings Allah sees everything and he can accuse us its fine. He then told me be disowned me ling ago. I said ok in tears therefore i will stay out of your way. I told him however i will make dua for u for Alkah to help u change and to help u become a better Muslim he got so mad he through me with his ciffee and he nearly hit me. He told me he will smash my car also and he started swearing ugly that my 83 year old grandfather screamed from the room stop it stop it. In tears i left that house
I feel i cant anymore i have my own life and problems to deal with and years after tears he gets worse i cant take it anymore it hurts me so much it snatches my peace
Reading your story really saddens me, but it also makes me happy knowing that you are striving to be a better Muslim.
There’s something I have learned the hard way; there are some people who JUST DON’T WANT TO CHANGE! PERIOD. All we can do for them is pray; may Allah steer them to the right path.
Having said that, you shouldn’t give up on your father. Maintain a relationship with him and try bringing him towards Islam whenever the timing seems appropriate.
There are so many people who have it worse than we have; Allah has given us so much more to be thankful for – please never forget that.
I am a 20 year old muslim boy and my families are quite broken. I fear if i stay for too long, i might consider the unthinkable of harming myself. But from what i xan tell, my parents are possibly on the verge of hatred and there is nothing i can do. I want to leave home but not to sever our ties, but because of safety issues. Its as if no matter what i do i will be punished. Someone please give me an answer…
I am a 20 year old boy and my family is sort of broken. My parents are not divorced but its obvious my father is verbally abusive towards my mother but some things about it is unfair. My family just isnt working out and I dont know if Allah is giving us this trial or we brought this upon ourselves but i have tried being patient through this.
It has reached a point where i consider running away from home. Not to cut my ties with them, but i fear if i stay, i might do the unthinkable and harm myself. I have a very sensitive and anxiety issues and i have no medication because my father does not believe i have them. I dont know what to do. Is moving out but remain in contact with them the best idea?
I believe life is a gift that you should cherish; it is for no one but Allah to take, and that includes yourself. That’s why sucide is Haraam in Islam.
Again, running away may not be the solution to your problems. From what you have written, I feel that your mother may be symathetic to you. Please share your problems with her and listen to what she has to say. It often helps to talk to someone about your feelings rather than keeping them all bottled up.
If you can get away for a couple of weeks, maybe to a relative’s house somewhere, it would do wonders for your anxiety.
What you may be overlooking is the hard time your mother might be going through; be a pillar of support for her and pray to Allah to give you the strength in this tough time.
I understand I have to be a support to my mother, but…from what I can tell, I feel as if she’s avoiding me. Since I was 11, she’s always distant herself from me. When I try talking to her, she always sound so hostile, and she’s only nice when I’m gone for a while. I feel as if the only reason I’m important to her is when she needs to let out some stress, but in a hostile way hurts. I know I shouldn’t complain, but she makes it harder for me to stay home. I want to be there for her, but I wish she would learn to talk instead of letting herself be bullied by my father. But not all the fault is hers as well, since my father is very abusive. He chooses favorites in the family and wants things done his way, and he is arrogant, not to mention tightfisted about many things. He assumes he’s the only one right about everything. And if I tell him that, there’s no doubt he will hit me. I’ve faced it plenty growing up. I know my problem is confusing, even to me, but that’s why I need help.
Is there anyone close to your father in your family who he looks up to? Someone who can intervene on your behalf? It is a tough situation you’re in, my brother.
Like I said earlier; try leaving for a couple of weeks to a worry free environment and let yourself heal.
If that doesn’t work and you think you can support yourself financially without your father’s help, try moving out; maintain ties with your family though.
Again; don’t lose hope and have faith. Allah will turn things around.
Is it really okay for a child to intervene the problems between parents? And my dad doesnt have anyone specific like that anymore since my grandmother passed away last year. He believes he’s doing the right things but he’s really just building up his ego. Even if i do leave, my father will surely take it out on my mother, and i dont want to betray her. Im sorry if my problem sounds impossible, but how can i maintain family bonds without my father harming anyone including myself…
It’s perfectly OK to make one or both parents understand what you are going through because of their attitudes. The best way to go is to try and sort things out between your parents.
It is a good thing that you care for your mother’s well-being and Allah will surely reward you for this.
Although it is still a little selfish of me, wanting to leave my family just because of their attitudes. In my heart, i do want to leave, but at the same time, i want our family to stay the same. I know my father might never go back to normal unless Allah opens his heart to my mother once more
In shaa Allah.
My parents always put me down, i am in my 40s and they basically treat me with disredpect. I try so hard with them but I cant do it anymore. I dont want to see them. I know its haram but it hurts too much and its damaging me emotionally. Alhamdullilah I have lots of good things in life but them. Its worse when they treat my siblings better than I on pirpose in front of me. If my sibling and I have a conflict they say its my fault without hearing the 2 sides. I dont want to visit them anymore, will Allah hate me for this?
Parents, no matter how they treat you, will always be your parents. You have to respect them no matter what. There are hadith that talk about treating non-Muslim parents well, and I won’t even go to the importance of Muslim parents.
what to do if my aunty (my dad’s brother’s wife) and their 3 kids abuse my mother for no reason …. they dont respect my mother they curse her for no reasonand i have been watching this since childhood .this time when i taken my mother’s side she tried to beat me with worst abusive words.. my father was present there he witnessed all the case and took our side that time. there was no startup from our sides.. and it has been 2 months we are not talkingto each other but my father (as if being possesed by them)started to accuse my mother for no reasons and blame her for what she has not done.my fatheris a relegiois person he prays 5 times salaa’t and quran everyday ..but soon he started to treats his brother like god ….he don’t even started to beleive me and indulging more and more on his brother side .we really feel helplesss .
trust me they are animals….how can i talk to them who disrespect my mother all the time!!!
Though my brother has done nothing to me, he has said awful awful things to my parents which made my mother depressed and cut off relations with them.
Is it wrong to cut off relations with someone who has committed a major sin like that? I’m trying to stay neutral on the matter, but I don’t want to speak to a person who has hurt my mother so badly.
It’s a major sin vs a major sin, and I don’t know which is worse.
If you know an answer to this, if appreciate guidance.
im 23 and my brother beats me very badly. Does Islam allows him to hit me? Does Islam refrains me from taking a action against him? If my parents are not coming up for a verdict for his act are they wrong as per islam? I want to know, Please help
asking this for a friend. Im 23 years old and I am practicing muslim girl in karachi. my brother beated me very badly. he cursed me and slapped me and punched me very heavily. Does Islam allows him to do that? If I take a action against him Is that allowed in Islam and what action can I take? He is the only son in my family so my parents and there verdict is very very unsure and they are trying to protect him!! is there any help I can get? who do I complain? I think he will kill me soon.
Sisters have a very special place in Islam and brothers are supposed to trust them with kindness and affection. If he hits and curses you for no apparent reason, he is committing a sin in the eyes of Allah. Your parents are sinning too if they take his side and are not protecting you.
Is there anyone in your family who can make your brother and parents understand what you are going through? If they intervene on your behalf, maybe your parents will be more supportive and your brother will be more careful as people would spread rumors.
What makes you think your brother will kill you? Is he doing this for a reason or just taking out his anger/frustration on you?
So I’m at a loss..idk how to resolve this issue. My father is a very respected, smart and strong man. He has never in his life admitted he was wrong, he’s not speaking to 5 of his siblings. He’s been married to my mom for 22 years, and while she’s had her fair share of abuse (emotional) she always lets it go, because it is the only way to deal with him, he is in control of everything. He used to beat us as children, I remember his episodes quite vividly, but my brothers and I also ‘let it go’. His way of apologizing is done by spending money on us (He’s rich). I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been on vacation because of a nasty fight, he never tells us he’s doing it because of what he did, we just understand the way he thinks. As we grew older, he’s stopped beating us, but he is still very emotionally abusive. I’m not going to share what he’s done all you need to know is that it’s bad. Idk over the years we kinda just became immune to it, we know what he does is wrong, but we still considered ourselves a normal family. This was of course until yesterday. My dad is very culture-oriented, and sexiSt. He expects girls to do what girls do and vice versa for the boys. My mom grew up in a loving family, she never had to do anything as a child, her parents did everything, and now she does the same with us,she does not mind. my father however didn’t his mom is very manipulative, made her kids do everything. So I guess you could blame it on how he was raised. Anyways, something must have happened to him at work and whenever he stays home for a full day he has to find something to yell about. I was with him that day, I’m a university student and my sceduale is flexible (summer semester) sensing he was out to cause trouble I decided to do everything he wanted, took care of my baby brother, made my father breakfast.. all in all it seemed like he was in a good mood. I gave him my brother for 2 hours after (I had to study for my midterm) came back downstairs to take care of him once more and he asked me what I was doing, I told him I was studying and then added “what’s the big deal anyway u only had him for 2 hours” (he doesn’t like it when I speak to him as an equal. ) Anyways he stayed quiet and didn’t speak to me until my mom came home, started saying a bunch of crap about how she’s the servent and nobody does anything in the family, etc. I went upstairs knowing he was in one of his moods, until he called me back. He asked me why I didn’t do the dishes from the morning (I only cleaned what’s around and ran them under the water) and then went upstairs to study. I answered back and told him “I cleaned most of it” then he asked again and I said “why are u yelling?” then he exploded spilled coffee on me threw dishes at me (which broke), this was all stuff he’s done before until he picked up a knife and threw it at me, he did it with such force that it got stuck to the wall( a few centimetres away from me). My brothers were around me in attempt to protect me my mother was crying we were all in shock he’s never done this before. Anyways he threw more things then said he’s going out and when he comes back he wants a list of all the chores we’ve done. I cried like a baby, my mom always said I was his favorite and that he loves me the most and that’s just his crazy side. But I don’t think I can ever forgive him for actually attempting to kill me (or seriously maim) I know he needs help but that is impossible to do HE DOES NOT THINK WHAT HE’S DOING IS WRONG. I’m missing a few details from our actual lives on his good days he’s actually pretty pleasent, it’s only during his episodes, or bursts of anger. Anyways I’m still in shock I’ve never done one of these things before, I practically gave you my whole life story, but I really need answers it’s been 3 days after the incident. And right after what happened I felt like escaping, just leaving I even for the first time in my life thought about suicide( istagfurallah) but I can’t do any of the above, I’m logical and I could never do that to my mom and I can’t risk my reputation and life. He pays for my tuition, anything money-related he provides. My life is literally in his hands. You could say I’m very intersted in our Deen, I know a lot about Islam, and went to Islamic school, I love my religion and I remembered that cutting familial ties is 7aram. I want to know what ‘cutting off familial ties’ is. At the moment I’m acting as if nothing happened, which is really hard but I’m only doing it so I could let my mom and brothers and I go back to our home country like we do every year (it’s a given we all understand we need a break from him and he always let’s us go) but inside, in my heart he’s not forgiven I’m trying so hard to keep a normal face, I do everything he wants now( practically his slave ) but sometimes my coldness comes out. I want to know if what I’m doing is wrong, and I need to know how to fix it the islamic way. And please don’t tell me to call the police or get him admitted I just need to know if I have to forgive him or is what I’m doing enough? Ive prayed and asked god to lead me on yhe right path but i would really appreciate it if someone gave me advice. Please answer back a.s.a.p I’m really desperate here. Thank you so much for your help.
What your father did to you was VERY wrong. Daughters are precious and Islam teaches us to treat them with love and respect.
I think what you’re doing is good; stay positive. Believe me but we have all been through physical or mental torture in some form or the other. Unfortunately, there will always be some people who are not willing to change. If he thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s in denial. Like you said, he loves you in his own way, but to be honest, such violent behaviour requires an intervention. I wouldn’t as you to take him to a psychologist (because you have asked me specifically not to) but you can see if someone in your family who he looks up to can intervene on your behalf. Have you ever tried to open your heart to him and tell him how you feel during one of his good moods?
Allah will always be there for you no matter what. It is my firm belief that when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go from there is back up. So keep your hopes up and stay positive.
As-salaamu alaikum wa-rahmatullah,
JazakAllah Khair for posting this piece, Br. Yousuf! You pointed out much needed advice.
As I’m suffering from being on the receiving end of cut-relations and it breaks my heart every time I read or hear the ayahs or hadiths about how Muslims should not cut ties.
I would appreciate any other Muslim’s perspective and sincere advice on this (please make dua’a for not only my family but all the families in this Ummah that are suffering for cut-off relations). My apologies for the long post, but I don’t know how else to explain the situation:
My mother and sisters have literally been cut off by almost every other living family member. Recently over the past decade, the relatives (father, brother, uncles, aunts, cousins) have become extremely narcissistic, money-obsessed, unhappy, rude and don’t follow the deen as they used to, only in a social-media type way. Likewise, they’ve become all sorts of abusive in their behavior that I don’t want to get into. Add to that desi family politics, community gossip, hidden abuse brought to light, etc. etc. that make matters even more difficult.
We still try to maintain relations at the very least by messaging and giving gifts (always make dua’a, too), but they ignore us (don’t even wish Ramadan or Eid greetings by text message- seriously?? It’s been one year since my brother spoke to us, and his distancing started after he got married several years ago…won’t get into that.) and they treat us horribly by spreading rumors about us and acting as if we’re the ones with mental problems or other problems (we don’t and they know it), causing us to suffer from social isolation as well since community people take “sides”. We’re not glamorous like them, go figure whose side most will take.
We do right by them and they manage to do everything wrong by us. The men in our family not only cut off ties with speaking and good treatment, but don’t financially support us (not one penny) with the knowledge that my mother is in need of medical assistance and we are their daughters, sisters, nieces who are struggling to provide for ourselves. May Allah Ta’ala bless my grandparents who were good to us, as most of this started after they passed. My grandfather used to cry in his last days when he used to think of us and our futures as he sensed those who remain won’t take care of us (i.e. my mother and sisters). What gives me hope is that he said he leaves us in Allah’s care. Alhamdulillah, truly Allah has taken care of us in a good way, and our biggest test is this family cut-off.
Its come to the point where my sisters and I are unmarried and don’t even know how to go about finding good spouses as our walis are so messed up and only think about themselves, their families/whatever their wives want (which is definitely not us) and their public image, however in private they are horrible. It’s very humiliating. There’s literally no one to intervene, and even the imams will probably take their side as they are men and know how to twist the situation to make it look like they’re innocent if we expose them to the community (which we haven’t as you’re not supposed to, I think.). But you need a wali to get married.
We’re suffering in silence, despite being strong and enduring.
In this case, is it okay to keep distance and try our best to find a way to go on in life without them? I mean I’ll always pray for them even though it’s hard, I would love to reconcile, but they are not themselves anymore- it’s like they’re totally different people who love to see us suffer and don’t want to help even if we reach out. They don’t want the relationship. period. (used to false promise they would take care of us), but will always tell the public that we cut it with them. I think they think if they take care of us, it’s a burden, but at least they could be honest about it and not go on a smear campaign. So not only are we abused, but we are accused of being the “cutters”. Audhobillah. And, they still think that Allah will continue to bless them (they equate rich/worldy success with Allah being pleased with them as they’re so great). They say we’re losers with nothing and they have everything and keep getting more (fancy houses, wealth, status, friends, children), so Allah is one their side. Maybe, but I don’t want to speak on behalf of Allah Ta ‘ala.
All online (non-Islamic) advice about harmful narcissists says to stay as far away as possible because they become a sort of mortal enemy. It’s not like you’re dealing with a mentally-ill relative, grumpy relative, sensitive relative, this is way more dark and sinister, unfortunately.
The way I see it, Ibrahim (AS) had to move at one point, albeit leaving with boundaries and good-will, and our Prophet Muhammad (sallahu alaihi wa-salllam) was so good with his hurtful relatives but even he needed some relief and distance and was moved to Madinah from Makkah when it became too much.
Allahu ‘Alim, but all I know is I need some advice to move me forward in the right way, and is it *okay* to deal with them by separating?
Waalaikumussalam warahmatullah sister. We all have relatives who have hurt us so much, we’d be better off not having them in our lives. But Islam teaches us otherwise; be kind to those who treat you badly.
In instances like these, I maintain my ties with such people, knowing full well what they do behind my back; I do it For Allah’s sake, for the reward he has for people who exercise patience in trying times. More often than not, others around you eventually realize who is right and who’s not.
Hold onto faith, sister, because that’s what Allah will judge us on in the afterlife. Leave it all to Allah and he will sort things out for you.
Keep praying for those who hurt us as they need it most; may Allah give hidayat to us all. Aameen.
I sometimes feel that talking to someone about your inner-most feelings and frustrations helps lessen the pain. I’m sure you may have someone around you who can empathize with you; it’s worth trying out.
thank you for following my blog.
You’re very welcome.
Assalaam Alaykum brother,
Just wanted to say this was a lovely read.
May Allah (SWT) reward you. 🙂
This means a lot. Jazaak Allah u Khair for the compliments and the dua’a.
I have a sister in law who recently moved into our house. she is 5 years younger than me, however she is not a very smart girl. I, along with my family have done everything for her. We bought her expensive jewelry for her wedding, wedding dress, hair make and anything she ever wants, I buy for her. I have spent $500 in a day on her before and she does not seem very thankful. Also on her birthday, me and my older sister filled her bed with gifts, she said thank you but on my sisters birthday, she did not even take the time to say happy birthday which really hurt me. Also when her and my brother fight, the whole world knows about it and it is embarrassing. She should not show family, such as my aunts and uncles shes mad, it should remain between my brother and her. Also, since she has arrived to our home, not one day did she ask my mother or farther if they even wanted a glass of water to drink. she only thinks about herself and im done dealing with her attitude. Three days ago, I yelled at her because I became very frustrated. She has attitude that is very unattractive. When I yelled at her, she did not say anything back to me. I told her to grow up and stop being so immature. My problem is her attitude and she is disrespectful. I know if things do not change with her their will be plenty of drama. My whole family feels this way about her, even distant family members or people who have only met her a couple of times. It is almost like she does not process things properly . I told my brother, I cannot stand his wife and if I would of known she was like this, I would never of allowed the marriage to happen. The beginning of the first three months she was awesome , but she changed. Im not sure if she was not being her true self in the beginning, and maybe her true colors are coming out now? I am mad because, it is not like me to yell. I have had a huge amount of anger running through my body for the last week.
I have a sister in law who recently moved into our house. she is 5 years younger than me, however she is not a very smart girl. I, along with my family have done everything for her. We bought her expensive jewelry for her wedding, wedding dress, hair make and anything she ever wants, I buy for her. I have spent $500 in a day on her before and she does not seem very thankful. Also on her birthday, me and my older sister filled her bed with gifts, she said thank you but on my sisters birthday, she did not even take the time to say happy birthday which really hurt me. Also when her and my brother fight, the whole world knows about it and it is embarrassing. She should not show family, such as my aunts and uncles shes mad, it should remain between my brother and her. Also, since she has arrived to our home, not one day did she ask my mother or farther if they even wanted a glass of water to drink. she only thinks about herself and im done dealing with her attitude. Three days ago, I yelled at her because I became very frustrated. She has attitude that is very unattractive. When I yelled at her, she did not say anything back to me. I told her to grow up and stop being so immature. My problem is her attitude and she is disrespectful. I know if things do not change with her their will be plenty of drama. My whole family feels this way about her, even distant family members or people who have only met her a couple of times. It is almost like she does not process things properly . I told my brother, I cannot stand his wife and if I would of known she was like this, I would never of allowed the marriage to happen. The beginning of the first three months she was awesome , but she changed. Im not sure if she was not being her true self in the beginning, and maybe her true colors are coming out now? I am mad because, it is not like me to yell. I have had a huge amount of anger running through my body for the last week. I do not know what to do. Im stuck between giving her attitude and treating her the way she treats others, or trying to be nice. Being nice has not worked and right now I feel like yelling at her and being rude is the best option.
I believe you being nice to her is what differentiates you from her. Otherwise, you’d turn into her, which you don’t want. It is entirely your choice to treat her however you like but honestly, kindness beats everything.
Just remember how Muhammad (sallalaho – alaihi – wassallam) treated the old lady who used to dump garbage on him. Islam teaches up to be kind, irrespective of religion.
My siblings and I were brought up in a very Islamic household. Several months ago,my sister left my family’s house in the middle of the night. She now lives with her non-Muslim boyfriend. My family and I are going through heartache over it. We have done everything we can. She refuses to listen and doesn’t have even the littlest fear of Allah(SWT). She has even put her life all over social media. Now our whole community and family is aware of her and her sinful actions. This whole situation is causing stress. I pray for her that Allah will guide her back to Islam, but my father has pretty much disowned her, and I don’t blame him. My father, who gave her everything and tried to teach her the right way, as we all have, has lost a daughter and is now ashamed in front of our community. My sister has no regret and speaks with arrogance and attitude. I keep saying, Allah yhdeeha.
In this situation, you cannot do much, except be there for her. Since your father has disowned her, you are her only link to family and Islam. You have to be the light who guides her to the right path.
I shall also pray for her.
What about family who live only to hurt you.. I have an aunt who has only made my mother suffer and suffer.. My father and mother used to have huge arguements because of her.. She only demands for moeny even when my mom was struggling to meet ends.. And the worst was when my father had a stroke and struggled thru survival and Allah saved him and we came home and this aunt came home the very next demanding money inspite of knowing that we had huge hospital bills to pay… So it was only after we started distancing ourselves have we found peace in my home.. What do we do in such a situation… Or a situation where my father’s brother was out to harm my family when we were v v young.. Please advice..
Salam, I am a 15 year old boy and i have a little brother who is only a year and a half younger than me. A few months back, my little brother cut ties with me completely and i mean completely over the smallest fight, the fights brothers have. He promised me that he would never talk to me as a brother and that even though we came to earth as brothers, when we die, we won’t be brothers. We used to have many small fights but after a while we were back to normal and a lot of the time we used to also just joke around. Even though, we have a small age difference, out of love for him, i used to call him “baby” and every one in my family called him that since he is the youngest child. The point of the last sentence was that all my life i have treated him with love and sometimes i was unfair to him, but that’s all older siblings, since i have another older brother who was like this to me but i knew he still would do anything for me. All of a sudden he cut ties with me and stopped calling me his brother. I haven’t tried talking to him because, i know he will just ignore me. This is why i need advice as soon as possible, it will be greatly appreciated if somebody replied.
Brother my family is going through some hardship at the moment. It is clear to see that my family is becoming broke, the process if already halfway complete. My eldest sister has left the home and my father wishes nothing to do with her, and my second eldest sister is spending more time outside of the house with her friends than her own family, and my father has made numerous threats on kicking her out and also wanting nothing to do with her. I personally believe it is do with the stress my family is under, especially my father and it is clear to see that he is finding it difficult to release this stress as there are constant arguments in our household. After reading this article, I can see that it is the work of Shaytaan but I need some advice and talking simply doesn’t help as my father can be stubborn at time.
I like to know what if your family were causing mischief in your relationship deliberately to break you up and cause misery through your husband. What then how you can forgive them when they have hurt you before in the; past and they will again if you make up with them do the same again; because you don’t trust them.
We commit sin regularly, we are constantly disobedient towards Allah on a daily basis. Yet Allah (SWT) is ready to forgive us all if we repent sincerely. Likewise we also have to learn to forgive & forget for Allah’s sake. In your situation keeping a distance is better, but not breaking tieship. Through time you can bring the distance closer and closer until everything is back to normal. Have patience and make sincere supplication to Allah for his guidance. May Allah guide us all in accordance with the Qur’an and sunnah insha’Allah.
Jazaak Allah u Khair for sharing your thoughts.
I have a situation where a person that once was my friend came to me and apologize for her wrong-doings during our friendship in the past. I already forgave her a long time ago but I just can’t accept her to be my friend again. Even how hard I tried to explain to her, she still force me to accept her as my friend again. In this situation, was I at fault? Can you give me some advices on how to face this situation?
Waalaikumussalam. We expect Allah to forgive us for the countless mistakes we make; is it really too much to ask to give a friend another chance for Allah’s sake? I think people have the capacity to change; then again, I’m a positive person!
Thank you for your answer. But, if I choose not to give chances because I’m scared of the consequences if things happen twice, will I be the one who get sin? Because after she left, my whole life turned into a disaster where I became far away from being a true muslim. It takes me 2 years to rebuild it back. Was it too much for me to choose not to as an act of defend? I’m sorry if ask too much.
How much or how little you interact with your friend is for you to decide, as long as you’re not breaking ties. No one can stop you from practicing your faith; it’s a conscious choice you make for yourself. And only Allah knows better!
Have a blessed Ramadan.
Assalamualaikum. how to deal with a brother in law who is rude at your parents and made no apology at all from his part even after my parents took care of his child for a year while he and my sister was working. my sister keeps bringing him into our house and i don’t feel comfortable every time he enters the house. he doesn’t talk nor greet my parents even after leaving the house. he eats and take shower in the house and this happens every single working day.(he doesn’t even pay for anything) recently me and him got into a brawl (to cut the story short,i had enough of his BS). my dad doesn’t want his face to show up in the house anymore. this is his second marriage. please give me some advice brothers/sisters out there. i pray u guys don’t have to deal with this type of situation anywhere in the world. it makes me feel sick inside to know my own sister is married to this arrogant, unappreciative bad-mannered guy. may Allah help and guide us all.
Waalaikumussalam. Do you really feel cutting ties with your brother-in-law is the solution? Have you or your sister tried talking to him? You cannot throw him out of your life without it impacting your relationship with your sister. Alternatively, you can speak to your sister and make her understand how his presence in the house is impacting all of you.
I’m sure cutting ties is not the only option. May Allah show us the right path. Aameen.
Assalamualaikum brother Yousuf. Thank you for replying. I need to clarify a few things. Does keeping distance means the same thing as cutting ties?. I tried to talk to my sister but she seems very uncomfortable and she’ll try to dismiss the conversation as quickly as possible. I did force the issue which leads to me and her husband having a brawl. Is it okay to maintain relationship with my sister but at the same time keeping distance from her husband (keeping the husband away from my house)? meaning only she and her child can enter my house, not him. They do have their own house.
Once again, thank you for replying brother. May Allah ease our burden and grant us wisdom. Amin.
Brother the reference to the ayah is (13:25) not (13:26). Please correct it if you can. Jazakallah khairan
Assalamoalaikum Usman. Jazaak Allah u khair for the correction. Will fix it immediately. Sorry for looking at this message after such a long time.
Thank you & May allah bless you & provide for you the best of this world & the akhirah.
Jazaak Allah u Khair for the kind words.
What if the devil himself, in female form is your mother? figuratively speaking. All the examples I read here were not that bad, considering how many parents there are in this world. Is their really nothing a parent can do to a child that is so bad that the child is permissible to stop communicating with them at all ? There are levels to bad parenting, for example they can do something bad once to their child, or for as long as they can, until the child grows up. A person might need a psychiatrist or a therapist because what their parents have done to them. Some really bad people can become parents. In Islam is there really no circumstance in which a person is allowed to cut ties with their parents? Even in the most extreme cases?
I would greatly appreciate your answer thanks!
Hope you’re well. Sincere apologies for the late reply as I’ve not been checking this blog for some time.
We all struggle with family sometimes or the other – I’ve been in a similar position myself when things seem out of control and there’s no way out for you. In Islam, there is no circumstance where you can break ties with your parents. Sometimes, getting a little distance between you and your parent helps reduce the toxicity of the relationship.
You can still continue to be polite and cordial to your mother, however difficult it may seem. After all, Jannah is under her feet.
May Allah steer us all to the right path. Aameen!
My elder brother, is really harsh with me and very bossy, he always acts like he is my boss and I have to listen to him and he always asks that where am I going? and what am I doing? and if I am studying or not?. This has been happening for years now and now I came to an extent that I just want to cut off with him. What should I do in this case?, should I run away? because my father also takes his side or what should I do?, I am really tired, its like just dont want to live anymore just because of him. He abuses me in every form, physical and verbal both. What should I do?
Hope you’re doing well. Apologies for the late response as I haven’t checked this website in a while.
Families can be complicated affairs, and there are times when we just want to give it all up. Running away is not the solution. Is there anyone in the family your brother listens to? I’d recommend getting them involved and resolving this for you. Also, try talking to your father and making him understand your side of the story. Oftentimes, we fall victim to miscommunication, which leads to unrest.
May Allah have mercy on us all. Aameen!
Assalaamalaikum… I like to share a personal matter can I email plz. Thank u
Waalaikumussalam sister. Sure. Please use the form on the website to send me an email. Sincere apologies for the late reply.
MY SON WHO WE EDUCATED IN THE USA HAS NOW DECIDED HE IS NOT A MUSLIM (THOUGH i FAIL TO UNDERSTAND ) HE HAS CUT ALL TIES WITH ME HIS MUM AND HIS UNCLE AND AUNT WHO LOOKED AFTER HIM AFTER HIS FATHER’S DEATH ,WHEN HE WAS ONLY 6 YRS OF AGE. I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM FOR HIS THANKLESSNESS. HE HAS SHATTERED MY MENTAL PEACE
AS A MOTHER WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
Assalamoalaikum Shirin. As a parent, I can very well imagine what you must be going through. My personal advice would be to reach out to him and accept him for who he is, establish a relationship with him.
In that way, you’d be in a better position to influence him through your actions and words. Cutting ties with him will only cause distress to both of you and cultivate hatred in his heart.
May Allah lead him to the right path again (Aameen).
I am glad that this page exists and that many people seem to be in the same boat as me.
Alhumdulila I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings however I do not meet my dads side of the family but it worries me if I am sinning because I don’t necessarily know whether it counts as ‘severing’ or not.
Here’s the reason why:
To begin with I was never even that close to my uncle and aunts or cousins or even my grandmother when she was alive, this was due to the fact that they speak a different first language to me and I couldn’t speak their language fluently and they couldn’t speak my language fluently so in general when we did meet there was never much conversation to be had. Just the usual ‘salaam, how are you?’ and then that was it, I was ignored overall except for when they needed my help or asked if I wanted food. I was treated no different to how a random guest would be treated, there was never any closeness. We never had any conversations and we never went places together. I would just go to their house, eat food, watch tv and then wait several hours until we went home. Many times they didn’t even notice that we were there.
Just like with most other Pakistanis there were many fights and dramas happening in our family and as a result a lot of people would stop talking to each other. This started when I was a teenager and it became a common thing that if two elders were not talking to each other their kids would also copy and would not talk to the other person and their kids and we all kinda did the same. I didn’t know any better and if my dad was not talking to someone, overall we all would not talk to them. I never had any malice in my heart, I was just following the leader.
As an adult the fights and dramas still happened but I also have social anxiety and overall just prefer not to be around so many people. But I have never told any of my extended family this as these things are rarely discussed. But as a result of it, any time I was invited to a party I would opt out. I never did it with any maliciousness, I would just say no I am not coming and I didn’t see it as a ‘severance’, I just saw it as a preference. I don’t like to be around people and I don’t see the POINT of going to someones house time and time again where they don’t acknowledge me and ignore me anyway so everytime I was invited somewhere I just wouldn’t go.I am the same when anyone invites me to a wedding. If I am not close to you, I won’t go.
So does it still count as a severance? I don’t hate them. I haven’t disowned them. If they come to my house I will speak to them with respect and treat them well. I have just opted out of socializing with relatives who I consider to be VERY distant relatives so I really hope I am not sinning seen as I was never close to these people to begin with and we never really spoke to each other to begin with. Its just so confusing.
As long as you speak kindly to then whenever you meet them, it qualifies as maintaining ties. There are lots of people who don’t prefer going to large gatherings and that is a personal choice.
As for the drama, it never stops. Try to circumvent it as much as possible and don’t get sucked into it.